Goodbye Nana

My sister called me a week ago today, to tell me that my Nana had been in the hospital since the Wednesday prior with pneumonia.  She said that the Dr's told her with Nana being 94 that her heart may not be able to sustain the treatment of the pneumonia and she may die.  I was out of town with my husband and hurried home to drop him off, picked up my daughter, then headed the 2 hour drive to the hospital where Nana was.
I got there a little after 5pm to find Nana in bed with oxygen, a feeding tube and antibiotics going.  She looked pretty sick, but she was awake and alert.   Jamilyn and I held her hands, one on either side of her.  She asked us not to leave, we said we won't leave.  My sister Lisa came back and was going to spend the night with her, so Jami and I went to Lisa's and crashed on her floor. 
We went back the next morning around 9am.  I sat and talked with Nana for 3 hours or so, she was alert, smiling, laughing and reminiscing with me.   She looked really good, considering she was in the hospital. 
The case manager came in and asked us if we had thought of hospice,  my sister Lisa has been her caretaker for the last 9 years, so she was the one taking care of everything.  We both talked about it and decided that hospice would be better for Nana than sitting in the hospital.  She would have one on one care rather than one to fifteen care. 
The Dr made it seem like she could go to hospice then go home and that hospice would provide a bed and nursing care as needed.  I left Nana around 2 when she fell asleep.  I told her I loved her and I know she heard me because she stirred in her sleep. 
My mom called me the next morning at 6am, saying Nana was unresponsive and that I needed to go back to the hospital. 
I called in to work and headed down right away.  We got there a little before 9am and found Nana sleeping, but breathing very difficultly, it was almost like she was on a ventilator, that forced breathing, but she was doing that on her own, as she was DNR.   Lisa was sitting on her left and I sat on her right and we both held her hands and talked to her.  She did not respond to anything.  I hugged her and kissed her cheek.
The Dr asked if she was going to hospice today and we said no, we had not signed any papers or anything.  They said she would get better care in hospice, and they needed the room.  We got upset at that, we said we'll wait.   We talked a little about it and we agreed, if Lisa could ride with her to the hospice, we would let her go, we didn't want her to be alone in an ambulance when she died. 
The nurse came in and gave her some potassium and antibiotics, then the Dr came in and told us that she could stay like this for weeks or hours.  As soon as the Dr left, Nana's heart rate went down to 43 when it had been 120-90 since I arrived.  I looked over at Nana and she wasn't breathing.  I told my sister 'Lisa, she's not breathing, Lisa cried 'No Nana, wait, Nana don't go!" and when I looked over at the numbers again they were at 0, then when Lisa cried out to Nana, they went back up..  I yelled to Lisa to tell her it's ok to go, so she did, and the numbers went back to 0 and Nana was pronounced dead at 11:05am. 
We sat there with her body for 3 hours, none of us wanting to leave her there.  We knew she wasn't there anymore, but this would be the last time any of us would ever see her again. 

I've been having panic attacks, thankfully they have gotten less and less as the days pass, but I can still feel them coming on, and I do everything I can to stop them. 

why do I click ?

I clicked on a link today, 'Arizonians for health care freedom'  and this is the first paragraph;

Unfortunately, the so-called “reforms” on the table in Washington – the ones crafted behind close doors by the Obama Administration, Democrats and the insurance companies – won’t solve either problem. Instead, this trio has proposed a dream come true for Big Insurance: A requirement that says not only must Americans buy their product, but we must buy a version of the product ok’d by government.

I work for an insurance company, and I find this to be offensive.  People are gullible and will believe this crap.  This reform is not helping us, my company, my co-workers or our members.

One of the first changes to take place is no cost preventive care.  WOW, that is awesome, right?!  Well, in theory, sure.  It's pretty awesome, but if you're not paying for it, who is?  Don't be naive, you are still going to pay for it, and also pay for your neighbor.


The problem to me, is not JUST the insurance company;  sure there ARE problems, we DO need reform;  but we also need the greedy mother f'ers to quit sucking everyone dry!

Tell me, how is it possible to have  4 hour day surgery at an ambulatory surgery center and for the facility alone there's a bill for $25,000.  how do they sleep at night?  Oh right, really well in their bed of money.

a Dr can bill $150 for a conversation?  You go for a routine physical, you  speak to him about your wanting to quit smoking and for that 4 minute conversation, he sends in a bill to your insurance co for $150 on top of the $300 bill for the physical.

You go to the emergency room, at an in network hospital, but the emergency room doctors don't want to sign a contract and they bill $1000 more than the usual and customary for an ER visit.

My doctor is awesome, he charges $50 for an office visit.  I wonder how he survives.

but it's the insurance company that is the only problem.

Thank you Shane...

This goes out to Shane Presley Farr;
Born Aug 3 1971, died Apr 21 1999.

If you had not died that day, I would not have spiraled out of control. I would not have decided to move to Oregon to start over. The kids and I would never have moved to the little blue house on Cecil and we never would have met the kids across the street Shenia and Stephen.
We never would have left Roseburg for greener pastures in Bend, where I would never have been employed by the company I work for. My sister would never have called me that spring day in 2007 that gave me the final push to move back to Arizona that summer.
I never would have met Prather, who in turn introduced me to my husband, who is the reason I moved to Payson in the fall of 2008.
I never would have gotten the myspace invite from Shenia, I wouldn't have chit chatted with her and then given her the kids myspace info. She never would have come to Arizona to see her mom, then come up to Payson to see us.
She wouldn't have reunited with her best childhood friends, and Eric and her would not have fallen in love. In turn, my precious grandson Shane would never have been born on Apr 21 2010.
Thank you Shane. I would love to see you again and would love to have you still alive. But, I am grateful to you for your role in the path our lives took to get to where we are.

Too much to handle...

Overwhelming is too sparse a word to describe life these days. I found out in December that my 19 year old son is going to have a baby with his 19 year old girlfriend. A few days later, I found out my 18 year old daughter is also having a baby, with her 20 year old boyfriend. I told them both that they should not get married just because they are pregnant.

My son listened to me, my daughter did not.

She and my new son in law were married at the end of February.

It does not feel real to me. It feels like she is away at summer camp or spending the night at her friends house. I know I am not alone in the ache that I feel in the pit of my stomach. Most mothers feel this when their children grow up and move away to have their own lives.

That doesn't mean I can't protest it!

My eldest son, who will be 21 this summer, has started drinking, a lot. He lost his job because he was too busy chasing after a stupid girl. He wants to become a police officer, but is taking his sweet time getting around to it. I keep trying to tell him that his life has started, so he better get to living it. He's not a kid anymore. As much as I will miss him when he moves out to live his life, I want him to get on with it. He tells me the economy is too bad, he can't move out, blah blah blah.

My eldest daughter, the one I did not raise; is also pregnant. Her husband and she have been trying for two years. They had two miscarriages and were worried this one would not make it either. So far, so good.

I will have a grandson in April, and another grandchild in August and September, we will find out the gender of them sometime next month. I hope for a granddaughter in the mix.

Now that the shock has waned, I am excited to meet my grand-babies.

My husband comes home in 7 months. I can NOT wait to have him home!!!